Meet Dev (Ranveer Singh) and Tutu (Ali Zafar), gangsters extraordinaire, with the heart, and wardrobe, of an aspiring Roadie. They are what you would call the rab ne bana di bros – while one makes anda bhurji in the morning for both, the other texts jokes to the girl he’s wooing. While one wears a white dhoti to bed, the other wears a black lungi – now imagine them in a ‘gudnyt , xoxo’ selfie. Both speak English like your friendly Facebook stalker, both are in obsessive relationships with leather jackets as if ‘jaan jaaye, par jacket na jaaye’ is the motto of their lives. Both were found, like most Bollywood orphaned babies are, in a garbage dump near a pond. Both were raised by Bhaiyaji – who, like everyone else in Bollywood who has been called Bhaiyaji, is a gangster. They eat, sleep, kill and going by their flawless, glowing skin, probably go for weekend facials together. So ‘awww’ no?
Then, along comes a girl.
Meet Disha (Parineeti Chopra), the girl every pub owner dreads in his nightmares. The one who, two drinks down, will wriggle herself between the DJs and start moving like an auto on a potholed Indian highway. But just because she is annoying the DJ, is drunk and wearing a dreadfully shiny cropped top, let’s not stereotype her as the usual party girl who will go and take a picture with the hand dryer in the washroom. She is a social worker extraordinaire who reforms former convicts. How? Probably by introducing them to tequila or an indoor poor, judging from where Disha spends most of her time, but the film doesn’t specify anything.
Dev falls in love with Disha and decides to give up the life of a contract killer. Tutu basically wants to slap him. However, since he has no one else to make anda bhurji for and remind himself how cute he is, Tutu relents. Now Bhaiyaji is very angry. After all, he commissioned Diesel leather jackets for Dev and Tutu, while the rest got Sarojini Nagar Market waaley blazers. But still Dev has turned bewafa. So, after singing a song that is a a gangstery version of Dil Aisa Kisi Ne Mera Toda, Bhaiyaji schemes about how to bring Dev back to his fold. The rest is what you know happens in Bollywood films, written in less time than it takes to order a pizza or swat a mosquito.
Given the nursery rhyme “Jack and Jill” has a meatier plot than Kill/Dil, you’d have expected director Shaad Ali would offer us the usual Bollywood distractions – song and dance – to hold our attention for the mandatory two hours. There are many songs in Kill/Dil, but they are as boring as the Happy New Year soundtrack so your best bet to stay awake is by outraging over the diminishing standards of samosas served at multiplexes. Or debate the grammatical significance of the slash (/) in the title.
The half-villain, foster-father-turned-jealous-loser in Kill/Dil is Bhaiyaji (Govinda), who also has to his credit the more catchy of the songs in the soundtrack. He is grumpy at times, very grumpy at others and occasionally hysterical. We imagine the film spent the least on his stylist: Bhaiyaji wears a black kurta throughout the film and maintains a designer stubble (how else will we know he is a dreaded, cold blooded killer?). It’s another matter that if you spotted his gang without guns, you would mistake them to be baraatis at a Delhi winter wedding. They are all dressed in blazers and aviators.
Ranveer Singh as Dev has put extraordinary effort into look bad and gets extra points for that Katy Perry fringe. Actually, his hairstyle reminded us of 10-year-old Ron Weasely, but we lest we inspire mass outrage from Harry Potter fans, we’ll say no more. Singh was barred from growing facial hair and made to weep for at least fifteen minutes in the film. FYI, Singh minus moustache and plus weeping = Jackie Shroff from Bhoot Unkle pouting. With his performance in Kill/Dil, Singh is now the most irritating character to have hit the silver screen since Hrithik Roshan in Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon.
Zafar, fortunately, does a great job of looking good. His brief in the film was probably to stop the girls from running out. He does his best by half smiling, tying is hair in a stylishly messy ponytail, wearing a racer back tee that sits nicely on his toned shoulders and lastly, by knitting his eyebrows and making an angry-face. It’s not a scary angry face but one that makes you want to feed him a cupcake.
Chopra was probably held at gun point and asked if she dare turn down a Yash Raj film. Her compensation: being given the wardrobe from a Priyanka Chopra music video and the permission to live out her Sheila Ki Jawaani fantasies. Thankfully, we don’t see much of Govinda to dislike him properly.
All said and done, Kill/Dil is actually inspiring. If you’re the kind, whose only reading accomplishment has been nursery rhymes, Kill/Dil is an indication that you’ll write film scripts for Bollywood one day and get paid for it.